blue and white planet display

Writing the World Alive: Earth

28 Days of Flash — 22 of 28 — Using the prompt for a title, I might have taken it a bit too literally.

28 days of Flash — 22 of 28

Oh sure. It seems like it would be fantastic to be the fifth largest rock in the galaxy. At least I have the distinction of being the only spot to have enough water for my own aquarium.

Side note, I love it when an orca gets a full head of steam and takes on a great white shark. It’s the best Friday Night Fight ever. The sharks nearly always lose, and nothing is better than seeing an arrogant jerk get their comeuppance. That’s something that I’d sell tickets for if it wouldn’t get the Martians all riled up.

It’s the Martians on my skin that give me hot spots on the regular. Mars ejected these jerks from crawling all over his shell eons ago, but it took getting rejected by Venus for that to happen. He certainly didn’t do it on purpose. He just froze up and made one of those “never again” vows that we all do when the only love of our life kicks us to the curb for someone else. Mars was toast after that. Dude fell down so hard it sucked all the air out of his dome, and the Martians had to figure out their plan B ASAP. And here I was, just a hop, skip and a jump away.

All that was incredibly amusing to those gas bombs Jupiter and Saturn. They had both told Mars over and over again that Venus would never give him a second look. And they were right. Uranus and Neptune didn’t have much to say on the subject. Uranus stays mum on a variety of things. Every time he pipes up, he makes an ass of himself, and the other gas bombs never let up on the butt jokes. Neptune’s just always so distant with everyone. Never even shows up to any of the pot lucks.

So anyway, about that same time Mars’ heart broke over Venus, I had just listed my five houseboats on UniverseBnB.

Insight: all y’all who think that North and South America aren’t one, it was all one piece until the Martians broke it apart with that damn canal. And don’t even get me started on Europe and Asia. That’s straight up one rental, people.

I didn’t know what was happening with Mars because Venus and I were 100% all up in Mercury’s business. That dude moves FAST. Venus was doing everything she could to try to catch his eye, which of course meant she was talking my ear off in the process. Did this dress make her equator look fat? Could she pull off green eyeshadow with her color atmosphere? Was she making a mistake going after the fastest man in the galaxy?

Of course she was making a mistake. It was ALL a mistake.

So, when I looked back at my UBnB listings, I couldn’t believe how fast they’d been booked. I was really targeting The Grays and Zetas with my marketing, and they’re so all-over-the-place, it can take some time for the ad cookies to drop to them. The Zoos were all under the supervision of the Earthlings — you probably know them as Sasquatch — so no vacationer would have to worry about wildlife, food, or any of that “new planet, who dis?” crap. But nope. Here came the Martians. And they weren’t just coming for a visit. They were going to be here for the long haul.

Needless to say, I wasn’t thrilled. Martians aren’t known for their hospitable nature. Thankfully, they could spread out a little more once they got here, but the wars. Holy hell, the wars. The first hundred generations or so acted all chill in their new digs. But as soon as they felt like they owned the place, the copacetic facade dropped and the Martians sent in a permanent change of address.

Newsflash: I’m a universal being. No one “owns” me.

I’m sure you think it sounds interesting to have sentient beings trying to give you a makeover you never asked for. It isn’t. They got bored. It didn’t take long for the Martians to start drumming up “new” philosophies. That’s really when the problems began. The ancient history they brought with them from Mars was all from his incessant droning on and on about being the God of War.

Here’s a secret: no one wanted to be God of War but him. Just Mars. He was all excited to try out his turbo Shop Vac from Universe Depot because the parties with the God of War can get a little out of hand. And he had a new shop vac. It was destiny.

Things really blew up when they started teaming up by the way they looked. I thought those cliques might be a problem and was I right. For hell’s sake, of COURSE they’re going to look different from each other. They’re not all from the same part of Mars, for crying out loud. Not to mention, the Grays and the Z’s may not have settled down here but it didn’t keep them from making new friends when they visited, if you know what I mean. And those kids were straight up science-experiment-meets-rando-DNA after a few generations.

So here I am. Hosting a few billion or so parasite Martians on my five houseboats for what they think will be a permanent future. The hot spots only make me itchy every so often, but one good sneezing fit could really cause them some problems.

The funniest part — they keep trying to go back to Mars.


About Christine Wilcox Anderson

Writer, former corporate communications exec, and perpetual student of life on this rock.
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